Here is a string of words I never imagined — and still can’t believe — I would ever have reason to assemble in this particular order:

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE INDIANA HOOSIERS, YOUR COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!

This caps off a miraculous, totally unexpected undefeated season for what has historically been a mostly-dogshit program best known for having the most losses in all of college football. I truly do not have the emotional vocabulary to process all this, but needless to say I am delighted!

Way to go, Hoosiers!